We said goodbye too many times, I begin to lose count, watching how easily you could cast me back, discard me like something spent, throw me back to the sea.

Yet, you’d welcome me back with distant arms, a kiss on the cheek, perfunctory— like a forced greeting for a long-forgotten aunt. I’d offer more of myself for you to chew on, in exchange for warmth, hoping that this time, you would not spit me out. I would make myself kinder, softer, prettier, funnier, I’d do that thing I know you love, trace my fingertips through your hair until it took you to sleep—
just to stay in your presence—
just to be seen.

did you notice? could you see?

For a moment, it seemed to work. Your touch became lighter, your voice—softer. You asked me to meet your brother. A sign, I thought, as any girl would. But signs, like hooks, can deceive. His words dripped with implication, not the kind a brother should utter. Perhaps he knew something I did not.

Was it unravelling? All this time, I was clutching on too tight, forcing myself into a space I could not inhabit—simultaneously a fish out of water, yet in too deep. It hurts to breathe. I performed for you like a clown, a marionette, aching for approval. Is this enough? tell me, finally, please?

Card games, long trails, tangled sheets, weekends away, holding each other until we fall asleep. These are the games lovers play. And yet? distorted messages, crossed signals, and another tormenting game of catch and release.

And then, the final trip— our last goodbye. Except, I didn’t know it was goodbye. A casual “see you soon,”no dramatic parting, no final kiss, no glance to savour. An end— without an ending. So I cling to our genesis— that night at the train station, the first moment you beheld me, the warmth of your smile, the kindness in your voice, your innocent laughter like a boy next to me. I long to see that smiling face once more—or to see it at all.

You are my person, my ghost, my unfinished sentence, my fish in the sea.

For though you left,
I never said goodbye.

I am still waiting for my final release.